babies were throwing up all over the place
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
