yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
