So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
