did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
