I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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