and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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