I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
