Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
