Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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