so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
