My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
