You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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