I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
