Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
