sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
