Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
