Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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