That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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