so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
