My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
