Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
