Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
