i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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