I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
