When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
