video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
