There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
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she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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