i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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