Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
