On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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