it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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