She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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