Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
