I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
