It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
