they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
