areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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