You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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