I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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