WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I cannot find my penis.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
