my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
