My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
