He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
