Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
