the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
