I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
