New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
