He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
