I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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