If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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