Capitaan dildo arrescate!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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