3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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