I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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