No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
