You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
