I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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