I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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