Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i think im in europe. pls send help
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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