god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
