I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
